I know I usually don’t post this frequently, but this comment on my last post brings up something really important and I wanted to give it some extra attention…
Basically, it was commenting that most people don’t have much to worry about except mundane and inconsequential things like taking the kids to soccer practice, etc., while people struggling with anxiety are constantly engaged in this “inner turmoil” which makes life so much more difficult than it is for everyone else (or least that’s how I’m reading it).
I TOTALLY understand where the author of the comment is coming from. That’s exactly how I felt too when I was suffering with panic attacks and seemingly endless days of constant anxiety. Everyone else was just skipping through life…actually ENJOYING it damn them…and there I was gritting my teeth and praying I’d make it through the grocery store, red light, or haircut.
I’m not too proud to admit it…I was jealous of them.
Jealous of the life they had that I craved.
A life free from worries, struggle, and anxiety.
A NORMAL life.
But let me back up a sec….
See, when we’re anxious, we think that everyone can see it. That there’s this big neon sign above our heads that says “Look…she’s anxious!” or “Watch out, he’s having a panic attack!”
The truth of the matter is, there is no neon sign and rarely can anyone tell that there’s anything wrong. At the very most, we’ll seem a little “uptight”, but the people around us don’t get any preview into what’s going on inside our heads.
Once I understood that, I remember it helping a little. I was always SO concerned that someone would discover I was anxious. I mean, what would they think? Aren’t I supposed to be strong? A tough guy?
What would I do if they found out I’m me?
Once I knew I could feel anything inside my own head and even if it was terrible, no one knew besides me, at least I didn’t have to fight to keep it “contained”. There was nothing there to hide that anyone could see.
What the heck does all that have to do with the comment about the lucky devils who only have to worry about soccer practice?
Well, it works the other way too.
Just like nobody can sneak a peek into the goings on in your head, you don’t get to know what’s going on in theirs either.
You can’t judge someone’s INSIDES by looking at their OUTSIDES.
Like you, just because someone appears to have it all together, doesn’t mean they do. Even when you’re anxious or struggling, you don’t make it obvious to the rest of the world either.
EVERYONE has their challenges. Some are different, some are more severe than others, but to the one affected, they’re all tough.
Maybe the person taking their kids to soccer practice had an alcoholic father that beat or molested them and it haunts them.
You can’t see that.
Maybe the guy at work who seems so put together just got diagnosed with cancer.
You can’t see that.
Maybe both of them are afraid of their own demons, and are just as scared as you, or it manifests in different ways.
Even the celebrities whose lives we’re so interested in and who seem to “have it all” are just as troubled as the rest of us – even more so.
As a matter of fact, I can virtually GUARANTEE you they have their own fears.
The other day, I was logging into my account at a bank through their website, and I had to answer some questions so they could quiz me in the future and be sure I was who I said I was.
You know, things that apply to everyone, things like, “What’s your Mothers maiden name?” or “What city were you born in?”
Look at the one they asked me:
Let me zoom in…
They wanted to know my biggest fear.
THAT’S how common fear is. EVERYONE is afraid. It’s just a matter of “of what” and “to what degree”.
You can’t walk down the street and judge peoples insides by their outsides.
You just don’t know.
So don’t be too quick to get jealous like I used to about the people with “perfect” lives. I found there aren’t any. Some just hide it better. By the same token, take some pleasure in the knowledge that you’re not so different after all.
Related posts:
- A good place to start is a terrible place to stop. Alright, time for me to clean something up… I...
- Case Study – Marie Muchow Click here to listen to Case Study 1 Click...
- Case Study – Marion Click here to listen to Case Study 1 In...
- Case Study – Jessica Most of the time I do the talking about...
- You’ve got to stop sinking… It’s been an exciting summer… You’ve seen lots of...
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks Rich
So So right.
Kind regards
Pauline
I used to believe that people were living perfect lives. The ones that didn’t get any anxiety or panic attacks. I used to think that they had been living their normal lives while I was fearing every bit of it. I’m dealing with anxiety and panic attacks and every day seems like a struggle for me to do the normal things as you listed. But after reading your comment on this topic, I feel a bit relieved. I agree that you can never see a person’s inside and that their lives isn’t perfect at all. They are probably going through even stressful things than I am.
Thanks Rich
Hi Rich,
Your programs are excellent and after reading your post, people will know you truly understand how they feel and that you can help them overcome their fears.
You’re right, Rich. And I’d go so far as to say other people probably have more fear – and more TO fear – in their lives than those of us with anxiety disorder have. After all, we get pretty good at protecting ourselves by avoiding things we fear. So all we end up with to really fear is our anxiety or panic attacks.
I used to envy those who could go through whatever they were going through without feeling like they’re about to go crazy or have a heart attack. Now that I don’t have those terrible feelings anymore and don’t allow fear to run my life, I kind of feel sorry for the folks whose lives ARE run by fear and they don’t have a clue that it’s happening.
Owen
Wow, that’s an incredible point that I never thought about – it’s easy to assume that we are the only ones having anxieties, when we don’t know what problems others are dealing with day to day. And our own fears are not as obvious to others as we think they are, so we can’t criticize others for not being compassionate or understanding our dilemmas – they probably have no idea we have them!!
Thanks for the eye opener!!
I agree that most people are run by fear and even don’t realise it ’cause they don’t have a warning system like us anxiety and panic attack sufferers, in that way at least we can ask ourselves what we are really afraid of and challenge it more so than others, some of us get good at it and some of us get stuck still but keep trying and try not to give up as at times it is worth it as much as i’d like to wish it away. Personally i sometimes feel better if i just explain that i’m suffering from anxiety as i used to be known for being relaxed and layed back and would just go with whatever was happening without being “difficult” so to speak, as others might see me now, with anxiety people sometimes assume you to be a difficult person and as you said uptight or whatever other word they like to label people with, i guess that assumption bothers me more and i’d rather just admit it in some cases which i did with the lady that does my hair, turns out she has anxiety too. I have to share a story also to get some perspective, not to say anxiety doesn’t ’cause a lot of pain but bear with me, it’s about someone who is an inspiration to me, i read a story about a lady, Stephanie Aurora Clark Neilson, her blog actually is where i saw it , she is a burns victim who survived an almost fatal plane crash with her husband, her life changed after that from being what some would call physically beautiful to living with facial disfigurement and burns through 80% of her body, one of her days went like this: She was in line at a grocery store one day when a lady in front of her turned to her and said “i feel just like you look on the outside”, i was shocked to hear somone could be so heartless, she tried hard not to cry and wanted to hide but she keeps getting up day after day for her kids, husband and also herself, that really got me speechless, i just don’t know how i’d cope and i really admire her for not hiding and it gives me perspective on on things. I hope this story helps someone like it did me.
I agree, you never know what other people are going through, but just because other people may have problems (and yes, they may be just as bad or more serious than our own) doesn’t mean we should downplay our anxiety. Anxiety is a pretty powerful thing, and it doesn’t help to compare your anxiety with the anxiety or problem of someone else. If anything, this would probably cause some people more anxiety or at least some guilt. I’m frequently anxious because I feel like I’m creating these anxieties for myself and that I’m selfish for worrying so much when I have a pretty easy life otherwise. We can be aware of the fact that other people have issues of their own, but because someone has a problem that may be “worse” than ours doesn’t mean we should ignore our own or see it as any less of a problem — in our lives anxiety is a huge problem, and it’s important to remember that.
Very thoughtful post Rich. I can see why you felt you had to respond in a longer format to the “other” Rich’s comment.
Everyone has worries and concerns. I think part of the difference is that some people worry out of proportion to the situation; some become motivated to appropriate action while others remain paralized with fear.
Your program is a great way out of the trap.
I think that’s part of the problem Anne, we shouldn’t be comparing our problems as “better or worse” than anyone’s….we’ll never really know and it doesn’t matter anyway if we did. The message isn’t that anxiety is worse than most problems so we have a right to focus on it, it’s that we’re really not as different as we think we are and everyone has struggles, it’s part of the human condition, and even those (sometimes ESPECIALLY those) that seems o put together are often the ones with the most inner conflict and struggle.
But you bring something else up…
Why is it important for us to remember what an important problem anxiety is? What good does that focus on it do? Wouldn’t it be better to FORGET it? The only reason to pay attention to something is if it benefits us or protects us….focusing on anxiety does neither.
I remember when I was still struggling with anxiety I used to think how nice it would be if I could just scrub away all the memories of my first panic attack…how wonderful would that be to just not know! Of course we can’t do that, but I still think it would be nice if we could since remembrance of those experiences and “guarding” against them occurring in the future really doesn’t serve us AT ALL.
Know what I mean? Just a different perspective. I happen to think anxiety isn’t IMPORTANT at all. Just a giant senseless struggle that tricks us. Be sure to read The Panic Trick if you haven’t already (it’s free)…
http://www.PanicTrick.com
Rich
Enjoyed your comment on “You can’t see the insides”
As long as we have the breath of life we will experience some form of anxiety living under the conditions existing today.
Acknowledging this fact will enlighten people that we all suffer from some kind of anxiety, but we all have different coping skills.
I agree with your comments.
Rich,
Sorry, I think you misunderstood my comment. I do not think that we should compare our problems to other people’s problems, but I thought you did that in your post. You said: “EVERYONE has their challenges. Some are different, some are more severe than others, but to the one affected, they’re all tough.” You say that some problems are more severe than others, but that to the person who has the problem it can be the most difficult thing to deal with. I wasn’t saying that anxiety is any better or worse than any other problem, I was just saying that we can’t compare, particularly because we really don’t know what’s going on inside other people. I guess what I got from your post is that anxiety really isn’t something serious to worry about or be aware of, and I feel like it is. I said that anxiety is powerful and that it’s important to be aware of it. Anxiety is powerful, I think we all know that it can really affect our lives. Yes, maybe we’re not all that different, but like you said in your post, to the person with the problem it’s tough. That’s all.
It’s important for me to remember my anxiety because ignoring or forgetting about something doesn’t fix the problem. Also, I’m not sure anxiety is something you can forget about. For me it’s something that is always there and I have to work through it. The more times I work through it and overcome it, the better things get.
Sorry if I’m not understanding and thanks for your response.
Thanks for the reply Anne, I’m glad you brought it up.
I understand what you’re saying. Overcoming anxiety IS important, I’ll grant you that for sure!
But the PROBLEM is that we’re giving it too much attention. I suppose the difference in the anxiety itself and the “overcoming” part, if that makes any sense.
And I think you’re right, we can’t “forget” our experiences with anxiety, I just think it would be great if we could! Wouldn’t that be easy!
Rich
I’ve enjoyed reading these posts as it makes me feel less alone. I too wish I could forget what it feels like to struggle with the anxiety and stop trying to hide it to appear “normal” around others. I am always jealous when I go out , say to a grocery store. It seems everyone is so laid back, actually enjoying their trip, and I am secretly shaking, fighting internally, trying to keep myself calm, feeling my heart race, rushing to just get through the trip. I want to remember what it felt like inside my head before the anxiety. What did I think about before my head was so crowded with the “what ifs”?
I know others have problems and struggles, but I also know that if I was trying to overcome something besides anxiety people would be more understanding. I’ve had people tell me I have nothing to be anxious about, that THEIR life is harder than mine and that just makes it all the more frustrating because at this point in my life this is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I would not wish this on anyone. It’s so frustrating because it doens’t make sense. I know logically the truth but I still can’t get my body to believe it and just relex and accept life as it is. I have wasted so much time and energy and living. I’m still following that tiny flicker of light at the end of the tunnel though, hoping to finally come out at the other side.
When I was having severe anxiety and panic attacks I really envied other people because I felt so “un-normal, (like there is such a thing as “normal”) , but to me all other people were normal and I was the only “crazy” one, very weird thinking at the time. Has I have healed some I am gentle with myself and forgiving I know my thoughts duped me, anxiety is a very tricky thing and very narsistic!
Dear Rick,
Thank you for your wise advice.
When I was a little girl, my dear Granny told me,
“If our troubles were like washing on the clothesline, and we could see what others had put out. When rain starts, we would be very glad to take in our own.” God bless, Barb
Rich, I suspected this before but now I’m sure….you’re an angel! A sage! A wise one! My God, I am in tears reading your blog. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear in this moment. I just confessed my fear of driving to a friend at lunch and I could feel how sorry he felt for me. I felt pathetic and alone in my feelings of being afraid. I come home, read your post and say…maybe he has fears of his own but he’s just hiding them! I am NORMAL! The deal is, I’m working on my fears. I will keep working on them for as long as I live. Thanks Rich, your timing was impeccable. And may I say, you’re honesty is refreshing, brave and in my opinion, very manly! I wish more people were honest like that. Thank you…thank you…thank you!
You’re welcome, you’re welcome, you’re welcome!
Yep, you’re all normal. Nothing to see here folks….
Rich
Rich & All,
I think Jenn brought up one of the most frustrating things about having anxiety or panic disorder: other people don’t understand it. THEY think we’re nuts even if we don’t. But it still helps me if I explain to someone (sometimes) that I have it.
My advice to those who are posting comments here is DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Buy Rich’s program or someone’s and take action. Taking a positive step is, well, a positive step! Wallowing in our bad feelings only makes them worse. Doing something about it will at least make you hopeful.
Remember the old Godfather’s Pizza ads? “DO it.” Or the Nike slogan: “Just Do It.”
I no longer have panic attacks and my anxiety is now more of just a physical reaction to stress. What I’m working on now is getting rid of the stress and I feel good about my future.
Owen
Well said Owen.
Rich is completely right on this. Do not feed anxiety. Do not do this by remembering it…paying attention to it…nothing. Doing so only will re-enforce the need for it to be there. It becomes a habit. A bad one at that. It is OK to recognize and acknowledge it, but in order to heal, you really need to understand that it is a bad habit and treat as such. Take away it’s power.
Does this mean that you will eventually be completely rid of anxiety? Of course not. The truth is that everyone has fears and anxiety at times. Learning to reduce the anxiety in your life to normal levels is the goal. To get your life back to normal. I believe that was Rich’s point in the blog.
Even knowing this, I still struggle with this battle at times. Old habits are very hard to break. Especially when there are such strong emotions and physical memories attached to them.
I didn’t always think this way either. I got to a point in my life where I considered giving up my whole career and life and never leave the house again. I was even planning on what to tell my friends. How it would eventually lead to losing them and pretty much any external contact in the world. I started to accept that line of thinking as normal. I even started down the road to the “final end” so to speak. It was pretty ugly. All over something as stupid as panic attacks and anxiety. And this was only a few months ago…
Of course, now I see how silly that was. How fruitless that road is. What a waste of time it is. I will never give up and never let something as silly as anxiety and fear completely control me any more. I may have bad moments and fall into traps at times. But never again will I let anxiety win or validate it by treating it as anything other than a bad habit.
I encourage you to check out Rich’s material. It really saved my life. I am not completely out of the woods yet, but I now have all the tools of empowerment that I need. Trust me, once you see the other side, you really will see how ridiculous anxiety can be. It is a trick.
Sincerely,
Michael…
Thanks Michael, and great job! I think you’re my fellow Wisconsinite if memory serves me…
Rich
Hi Rich
I’ve been on your list for two yeras now and read everything. I am probably one of your greatsest failures because i still havent got behaind the wheel – but I am also one of your great supporters…quietly.
I enjoyed this article / blog and I think it is absolutely true: we have to count our blessings so to speak, and not envy anyone.
In fact, when someone is talking to us – and they constantly talk about themselves…and we are passively listening…isnt this also an indication that all is not as good as they say?
Keep up your great work.
Margie.
What’s keeping you from getting behind the wheel Margaret?
Hi Margaret. Sorry to hear that you still are not able to get behind the wheel. I understand and have been there myself. I encourage you to keep trying. I know that you can do it. It will be hard, no doubt about it. Are you able to at least ride in the passenger seat when someone else drives?
I don’t know if you have tried this yet or not, but I found visualization while being immersed in the situation to be very effective. Next time you are riding as a passenger in the front seat, try imagining yourself driving while they are. Try to visualize every detail. Try to conjure up the fear and feelings. Convince yourself that you are actually driving. Try to almost create the same sense of panic and anxiety. With a little effort, this will be easy to do. It will be very effective and you will feel the fear as though you are really driving.
Don’t run away from it once it starts. Stop and notice what you are feeling and why. Learn everything about the anxiety that you can, how everything looks, feels, smells, whatever… After that, start to ask yourself why you feel the way that you do. What is causing it. Work it all out. Over repeated exercises like this, you will notice that the anxiety is easier to manage when it comes.
You will then be ready to get behind the wheel. When you start, take things in baby steps. Maybe the first step is simply sitting in the car while it is running. Alone. Maybe pulling in/out of the garage or driveway. It doesn’t really matter what the first step is just as long as there is at least some small level of fear associated with it. Don’t wait until you feel ready. You will never feel completely ready.
Oh and regarding your comments about others, bottom line, don’t worry about analyzing others. Trying to analyze what others are thinking or whether they really have anything going on or not is just an extension of your own anxiety. A big part of anxiety is over analyzing everything and constantly checking your body to see if something is wrong. Of course, if there is nothing wrong, you start to think that something should be wrong. And then all of the sudden something is wrong and then you react to that and the cycle starts. It can become so subconscious that you will not even notice it’s pattern.
You will think that anxiety just comes out of the blue and can’t figure out how or why. This of course makes the anxiety stronger because now you fear as an unpredictable monster or something. Always remember that anxiety is very predictable. You create it. Sometimes like clockwork.
I wish you the best of luck. Remember, we are all here for you!
Sincerely,
Michael…
Yup, Rich. A fellow Wisconsinite here!
Great post Mike!
Rich
Hi Rich
My anxiety/panic is brought on by motorways. I was only used to one lane each way. Now I’m living in an area where there is 4-5 lanes each way.
I am a good driver and most of the time very competent, but the last 8 years or so have been so frustrating for me, and I was just wondering if it was due to menopausal stage of my life.
Some days I’ll get out there on the motorway, and go great guns, and other days I over think and have myself wound up and worrying about how I’m going to manage to get myself to my destination in one piece!
I know I can do it, but how does one stop focussing on this rubbish!
The other thing is, I do focus on those that are either travelling beside or behind me and I know they probably are not aware of my angst!
I am doing my best to keep working on this problem, and I enjoy your blogs. They help tremendously.
Many thanks.
Glenda.